When We Let Our Sexuality Define Us

I am a Christian. I have worshiped with other Christians my whole life. You'd think we'd all have it down.

But God help us, sometimes we don't.

Sometimes we know what the gospel is. Sometimes we live and bask in it. Sometimes we let it set us free. And sometimes we don't.

One area many Christians struggle to surrender to the Gospel is sexuality.

Let me give you an example.

Growing up, I always heard that sex was dirty. We don't joke about it. We don't think about it. And by golly, we don't do it--at least before marriage.

It was simple, really. The goal was purity. I was told to remain a virgin until my wedding night. And there were two underlying assumptions behind this:

1) If you save yourself for marriage, sex will be awesome.

2) If you defile your purity before marriage, you are dirty and worthless.

Regarding the first assumption, let's just be honest. Any married person will tell you sex is not easy. It's complicated. It takes communication, work, and practice, and even then your level of enjoyment depends on the overall quality of your marriage. Just because you saved your virginity for marriage, that doesn’t mean that you give to skip over the hard stuff. It’s still there. And couples who don’t realize this going into marriage set themselves up for disappointment and pain.

But the second assumption behind this thinking is even more damaging than the first. Christian virgins try to hold out for marriage because they feel like their virginity gives them worth. Who hasn't heard the classic abstinence illustration in youth group. A rose is passed around the room and felt until its pedals start to fall off. Someone chews a piece of gum and is instructed to offer it to the person next to them.  Soda is poured in a cup, then several people spit in it before someone is encouraged to drink it.

These pictures are all meant to represent sex before marriage.  And they all communicate the same thing. If you have sex before marriage, you are used up, polluted, dirty. And no one wants you. You are damaged goods.

Many times, that’s how the message came across growing up.

This message becomes damaging for two similar reasons. First, we make the right choices for the wrong reasons. We stay abstinent not because we want to glorify God but because we fear losing God’s acceptance and others’ approval. Second, those who "give into temptation" and lose their virginity feel used up and won’t have anything to offer a future spouse.They view themselves as a torn-up rose, a piece of used-up gum, a spat-in drink.

Either way, the underlying issue is the same: shame. When you have sex before marriage, you become dirty, you are marred, you lose your value.  

Preaching shame-based purity creates an unhealthy culture of legalism. We become consumed with being accepted by God and others, rather than loving God and others.

And this is not the gospel.

When we preach shame-based abstinence, we let our sexuality--not the Gospel--define us. We find our worth in what we have done instead of what Jesus did for us. We cheapen grace, because we believe we can never get back what we lost.

But let's get back to the basics. Why does God accept us? 
It’s not because of our sexuality. 
It's not because we kept our virginity until marriage. 
It’s not because we have heterosexual attraction. 
It’s not because we have a perfect past. 

He accepts us based on the life, death, and resurrection of his Son. He knew we could never be clean before him. That’s the whole reason Christ died.

The gospel tells acknowledges that we are very broken and sinful. But it also tells us that Christ reached into our broken sinfulness and breathed life into us.

He gives us hope.

He gives us worth.

He gives us life.

And when we understand this Gospel, we are free. 

Free to live in the fullness of who God made us to be.

Free to appreciate the complex sexuality God has given us.

Free to love others with their best interest in mind.

Free to accept love from others because we are secure in God’s love for us.

Free to define ourselves—not by what we have done—but by what Christ did for us.

When we submit our sexuality to this Gospel, we are free to know and experience God's love.

And that is how we were meant to live.

We were never meant to define ourselves by our sexuality.

We should not define ourselves by our virginity, or lack thereof.

We should not define ourselves by heterosexual desires or same-sex attraction.

We should not define ourselves as single or married.
We should not define ourselves as divorced or remarried
We should not define ourselves by infertility or inability to bear children.

And we should not define ourselves by our sin.

We should define ourselves by the gospel.

We should let it wash over us.

We should let it make us whole.

We should let it empower us for deeper, greater, richer things.

When it comes down to it, I am–first and foremost–a Child of God, adopted into his family by the blood of Christ. I was lost, now I’m found. My sin is absolved, and I am washed clean. I can enjoy unending satisfaction in a relationship with my creator who relentlessly pursued me. When you start there, you start with good news, not bad.  

You live out of freedom, not fear.

You live in wholeness, not hiding.

You walk in the Spirit, not darkness.

The gospel isn’t just a “get out of hell free” card. It’s the good news that we can be who Christ set us free to be. We can live a life of fullness that we were meant to live.

But what about abstinence? I believe it’s the best way to live. But it’s all about where you start. Do you start with man-made rules and fear, or do you start with the gospel?

As a Christian, do not let your sexuality define you. Remember and take comfort in who you really are: 

A child of God.