Success in Dating: What are We Really Shooting For?

Sometimes relationships don't work out. Sometimes we're ok with that. And sometimes those breakups are hard to deal with. Sometimes we feel devastated, or humiliated, or frustrated, or bitter, or depressed.

I wonder if these feelings would be easier to deal with if we took a moment to step back and ask this question:

What is the goal of dating?

It's a reasonable question right? But I don't think many people--even Christians--have given enough thought to it.

I would guess most Christians would say the goal of dating is marriage. If dating leads to marriage, success. If dating ends in breakup, then the relationship failed. We just have to remind ourselves that sometimes it doesn't work out, it wasn't God's will, and we'll meet the right person in his perfect timing.  Maybe another person will come along who will blow us away. Or there's always eHarmony... Soon enough we'll start another relationship. And hopefully that one will end in marriage. Success, right?

I want to question this a little. Is the ultimate goal of dating really to get married? What if we took a step back for a second and questioned this assumption? What should be our goal in dating? And really, what is the real purpose of anything?

the goal of everything

I think if we start with God's Word, we may end up with a much healthier perspective on the goal of dating. If you were to read through the letter of 1 Corinthians, you'd quickly realize that the Corinthian church was really messed up. There's some crazy stuff in there. Paul gives that church a lot of instruction on what to do differently. But imbedded in his teaching are snippets that get to the heart of it all. Like 1 Cor. 10:31, "So whatever you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." or try a few verses back in 10:24, "Let no one seek his own good, not the good of his neighbor." We could get into the context of these verses and bring out the richness, but I think these verses are very clear:

It's ultimately not about you. It's about God's glory. It's about seeking the good of your neighbor. And to be honest, glorifying God and serving your neighbor go hand-in-hand. (See Jesus' double-love command, for instance) What matters most in the way we conduct our lives? Whether we are glorifying God.

This goes for any area of life. Sports, parenting, school, finances.

And dating.

How often do we think about dating as a chance to glorify God? Does it ever cross our minds that maybe our self-interest in dating might be elevated too highly?

For anything in life, our real measurement of success should not be whether we passed the class, or buy our own house, or bring home a shiny paycheck, or married a godly person. You can do all these things, and miss the point. Real success is bringing God glory, in whatever we do.

How does this affect our purpose for dating? I think it boils down to these two things:

1) Ultimately, the purpose of dating is to glorify God.
2) Penultimately, the purpose of dating is to find a mate.

And as we date, we have to keep this straight. God's glory comes before our own desires. We need to seek our neighbor's good before our own.

true fulfillment

And here's the thing. When we are honoring God, when we are serving someone else, it brings us joy. That's the irony of it all. The more we focus on our happiness, the less we're happy. The more we focus on meeting others' needs, the more fulfillment we experience in our lives.

It's backwards.

It's true.

For whatever reason, God has programmed us to be the happiest when we're not seeking our own happiness. That's why he gave us community. That's why he gave us the Church. And that's why he gave us marriage.

Marriage is hard, and it comes with daily failures and disappointments and frustrations. Sometimes it's dry, and sometimes it's incredibly rewarding. How do marriages thrive? Vibrant marriages arise when both people serve, honor, and love each other.

We always say that a committed, sacrificial, loving marriage is beautiful, and preaches the gospel to everyone. People see your love in a way that reflects Christ's love for the church. But I want to go further. I think we are never so close to understanding God's love for us than when we are filled with joy for serving others. That joy is a divine joy, and gives us a glimpse of God's heart. I think this is a big part of how God meant marriage to be.

But those are the good days. Is everyday like that? No, but those reminders--remembering what it's like to serve--help motivate us to keep serving each other. Even when we're tired. Even when it's hard. Even when it hurts. We push through when we don't feel like it because we know, in the end, it is worth it.

On the other hand, those couples who try to grasp for life from each other end up in misery. The very happiness they seek turns to dust the moment they reach out and grab it. Their expectations are dashed when they realize that their spouse cannot meet them in the way they imagined. They end up disappointed, bitter, and lonely.

But giving life to each other--not grasping for it--that is real joy. Fewer things bring delight like serving someone because you want to, not because they asked for it. Surprising them with a gift or note of encouragement, listening when they want to talk something out, taking over a mundane chore unannounced, giving a back rub after a stressful day: these are the acts that give the most joy in marriage. Giving when we are not looking for anything in return.

And if serving the other person is one of the biggest points of marriage, well, shouldn't we be thinking that in dating too? I mean, if we are looking to spend the rest of our lives serving another person, wouldn't it be wise to practice serving the other person while we're dating?

success in dating

But let me bring this back to the original question once more. What does success in dating look like? Maybe we shouldn't measure it by whether or not it leads to a ring and a vow. Maybe a successful relationship is when we put the other person before ourselves and look out for them: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

And think how radically that changes the way we look at dating relationships. All of a sudden, we are no longer consumed with what they think of us. Instead, we are looking for ways to serve them. We aren't looking to grasp for life, but to give life. To serve, honor, protect, and nurture the other person.

And if the relationship doesn't work out (for whatever reason), you can walk away from the experience knowing that you did your best to honor God and the other person. That is true success.  Building up another person is one of the most God-honoring ways to treat a fellow human being.

the role of mourning

Don't get me wrong. A breakup is a breakup. It hurts. The longer the dating relationship, the harder it is to adjust. Like most types of loss, it's like losing a limb. You are so used to it being there that when it's gone, you have to go through a period of grieving, reflecting and readjusting. It takes time, and there are lots of thoughts and emotions to deal with, to journal through, to talk out with a friend.

But the mourning process becomes a lot easier to navigate knowing you did your best to honor the other person. The relationship did not end in marriage, but it can still be a resounding success. It may have been God's will that it didn't work out, but God may have used you to do incredible things in the life of a brother or sister.

That is something to truly celebrate.

having a healthy conversation

A healthy conversation about dating must start with these core assumptions:

1) Ultimately, the purpose of dating is to glorify God.
2) Penultimately, the purpose of dating is to find a mate.

If this is not our mindset, our focus will be skewed. When our goal is solely to get hitched, we end up focusing much less on God's glory, and we may miss rich opportunities to build up one another in Christ. If we are going to have constructive dialogue about dating, it must start with these assumptions.

Because when it comes down to it, dating is really a picture of something much bigger, much deeper. When we pour into our potential mate and build them up for their good, we are acting like Christ.  He is pouring into His future Bride, the Church, so that when we are united with him in Glory, he will present the Church to himself in splendor. That's pretty awesome. Why shouldn't this be our goal too?

Let's find our joy first and foremost in seeking the kingdom of God as we date. And in anything else we do. 

Because when we are serving others, we are truly satisfied.